In Memory of my mom

Tomorrow would have been my mom's 59th birthday. It was so incredibly hard losing her last year and this year is bitter sweet as I know I will welcome our new son in several weeks but she won't be here with us. But I can't help but think that she had something to do with this miracle baby that I'm carrying. Anyways, I found this sweet poem that I wanted to put up in her memory. Happy Birthday Mom!!

"Happy Birthday Mother"

It's sure to be the best one yet,

Though you left me here behind.

Did you think that I'd forget?

Your cake this year, will surely be,

A beauty to behold.

With the icing made of Silver,

And the candles made of Gold.

Yes your birthday in Heaven,

Will be such a grand affair.

And I know you'll look so lovely,

With a halo in your hair.

The Angels will come from everywhere,

To sing your birthday song.

And I know they'll be so happy,

That you've joined, God's Happy Throng.

No I can't send a card this year,

Or give a gift so fine.

So I'll just send a special prayer,

To that wonderful mother of mine.

By Winnie Lovett 1968

P.S. - This picture is about 13 years old...but I love it!

Yesterday - updated

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I am so humbled by the many people who stopped to call me or write me yesterday. One of my dear friends had us over for dinner Sunday night and gave me a beautiful windchime to remember my mom. I am especially humbled that my mom's small bible study group is having a celebration in her honor tonight that they have invited us to. My mom was such a special lady and it's nice to know that even though she is gone she is not forgotten!

UPDATE: The celebration last night was absolutely wonderful. We were the guests of honor and were made to feel so special. First, there were about 15 "grandmothers" all spoiling Joshua. They even had some balloons for him that made his night. They started by saying a special prayer for my mom then we feasted on appetizers, a delicious dinner that they had made of chicken, roasted potatoes, squash casserole and more. Yummy! Then as if I wasn't full enough had a strawberry trifle for dessert. Next, they made a special presentation to me of a memorial brick that they had bought in honor of my mom to be placed in our church's courtyard. Finally, everyone shared stories about my mom. It was so wonderful to hear all those great stories of my mom and how she had touched each of their lives with her service and humility. It was a really special evening and I could not be more thankful for all they did. They are each such a blessing!

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the worst 8 days of my life. This day last year my mom unexpectedly went to the hospital and died 7 days later. It's strange how I can't remember anything I did that day before I received the phone call that she was in the hospital but from the moment I received the call and for the 7 days that follow I remember almost every single detail. I remember where I sat, what I ate, what times I went where, everything. I have relived those 8 days of my life over and over again in my head. I often wonder if one instance would have changed any of the outcome.

I know this isn't a fun topic but I want to share this story. So here it is:

My mom worked a full day at her normal job then went on to her 2nd job which was teaching water aerobics - she taught 2 classes that night. During class her students thought that something was wrong with her as she was really short of breathe. My mom said she just wanted to go home, but her students insisted on bringing her to the hospital. I wonder if my mom would have driven home if she would have made it. Even though her death was extremely sudden and unexpected I am thankful for the 3 days I had with her in the hospital before she went into a coma. I'm thankful to those women for insisting that my mother needed help.

I remember the phone ringing that night but Joshua was throwing up so I didn't answer it but I could hear the answering machine in the distance. The call was from one of my mom's students telling me my mom was at the hospital. I ran to pick up the phone. They said they thought she had pneumonia. I rushed over there to find that my mom had congestive heart failure. My mom never smoked a cigarette in her life, she taught water aerobics 5 days a week and was only 57 years old. I was in total disbelief. I kept leaving my mom's room to go into the hall to cry and to call my husband & brother. I couldn't believe this was happening to my mom and I wanted to be so strong for her.

The next day was a Friday and my mom had a heart catheter that determined that she was going to need open heart surgery. My mom was a diabetic and her diabetes was a bit out of control. So they wanted to wait till Monday to do the surgery. In other words, it wasn't extremely urgent. They said her situation was serious but the surgery was very routine. The risk factor was like 1%. Those next few days my mom looked great. I would order her meals, hang out, make phone calls, and of course, secretly worry. My brother came into town late Friday night.

Monday morning, my husband, brother, and I got up bright and early to see her off to surgery. My mom was a nervous wreck. Really, she was horrible. She was having a panic attack and we were doing everything we could to keep her calm as we went down. She kept telling me that she wanted to be cremated - which of course, I brushed off as her fear. Because at this point, the doctors said she would get to come home with me the following Monday. During the long, long surgery I was worried but I was also planning for my mom to come live with me while she recovered. I was thinking about getting a t.v for my guest bedroom and borrowing a recliner from someone. I remember how thrilled I was when they called me over the intercom to come to the phone for an update. They told me my mom made it through surgery and everything went great. She was still sedated but they were going to get her settled and slowly get her to wake up that we could see her in a few hours.

A few hours later we went to see her in the ICU. I expected her to look bad, but she looked horrible. When we got there the doctor informed me that she wasn't doing well. That they didn't know why but she wasn't waking up. That she wasn't responding the way a person normally does after surgery. I went from feeling elated that the worst was over to finding out that things weren't good. They said to go home and rest and see what the next 24 hours brought.

The next day was a Tuesday and we went in to find that she was now considered to be in a coma. That things were even worse. I was her health care power of attorney so they needed me for all the decisions regarding her health. They wanted to open her back up to see if something went wrong and to place a pump in her heart to help it recover more on its own. They did that and still found nothing wrong. They could not explain her condition. Wednesday her kidneys shut down and they started her on dialysis. Thursday her liver shut down and they told me they thought she no longer had any brain function. It just continued to go from bad to worse. And by Friday she was gone.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my mom. Losing her is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. She was my best friend. I'm sad that she will never meet the baby I'm carrying. That she never got to hear Joshua call her Grandma - which he does say when he sees her pictures. That I can't just call her for any little thing that I think of like I use to. I just miss her so much.

Thanks for letting me share this story.

Memories of my mom

Today is the 6 month anniversary of my mother's death. My dear friend Sue brought me some beautiful flowers today because she was afraid I would be sad. I was so touched. Thank you Sue!
Anyways, my mother gave me the gift of loving to read. It's something we shared. Along with being mother/daughter & best friends - we were avid book swappers. We enjoyed reading the same type of books and would trade books back and forth almost weekly. Until experiencing a loss of this magnitude, I had no idea how much I would miss the every day moments of life my mom and I shared. The joy of simply finishing a book and putting it aside to share with my mom is now gone. I miss calling my mom to tell her about a new author I found. It's all the small, everyday moments that I will never be able to share with her again. I lost so much when I lost my mother. But there are other moments still happening in my life that I try to now stop & treasure. I hope you too will stop & appreciate all those simple things in life before they are gone.

P.S. Along with books...my mother loved bookmarks and would always buy 2 - one for me and one for her. The picture is just a small sample of some of my mom's bookmarks - can you tell she also loved butterflies?

"Special" days

I recently lost my standard gold hoop earrings that I wear everyday. So I had to find something else that was simple but pretty and I remembered that I had a pair of my mom's earrings that would be perfect. My mom absolutely LOVED these earrings...but the more I think about it, I don't remember her wearing them ONE time! For my mom was saving them for a special occasion. Now, these might not be fancy to most people but they were special & fancy to my mom but yet, she never wore them because that special occasion never came. This has really been heavy on my heart lately as I've been wearing the earrings every day and I think why do we save so many things for a "special day". Why does my china only come out on holidays? Why don't we make more days "special days"? I really am taking this as a challenge for myself to make sure that I make more days "special". So John might just come home tonight to find us dining on our china! I hope maybe you will make more of the "everydays" special too!

Joy in the midst of sorrow

Yesterday was the 5 month anniversary of my mother's death so as usual I wanted to take a minute to post about her and a funny story that happened a little more than a month after she died. My brother and I were on the phone together and as he lives in another state we hadn't seen each other very much after the funeral. And he said to me, "How have your tenths been?" - Well since it was a conversation over the phone I had no clue what he was talking about. I didn't know if he said, 'tents', 'vents', 'lents'...I just had no clue. And as I said, "huh?" - he would repeat "tenths", "What??, "TENTHS!". Finally, I was like what the heck are you talking about? And he said, "You know - your 'tenths' - you know - the day mom died." And I had to say, "uh...well, she died on the fourth." Which he replied, "Man, I was all sad on the wrong day." He will probably kill me for posting this but I couldn't help but think that it was a really funny moment in the midst of true sorrow. And I know, my mom, if she has any clue at all up there in heaven what's happening down here, had to be laughing too! By the way, I love this picture of my mom, you can really see her smile & sweet spirit!!

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow would have been my mother's 58th birthday. It will be hard not to be able to spoil her tomorrow as I always liked to try to do. She was just so very special. I am however so thankful to know that she has a perfect body in heaven and can dance and sing and not worry about one thing! (I didn't mean for that to rhyme)

This has been on my mind a lot today because I have an acquaintance, who's husband has been in the hospital since April battling cancer. Today he is having one leg and one foot amputated. My mother's short stay in the hospital would have most likely ended up in having part of her arms or legs amputated as the strong medicine she was on constricted the blood flow and they couldn't even get a pulse in her hands or feet. I'm so thankful that she never had to endure any physical suffering here on earth. As sad as I am that I never got to say goodbye and that I miss her so incredibly much - her suffering was short if at all. So in my mind the hardest but best birthday gift I could ever give my precious mom was to tell her that it was okay for her to go and to know that she is experiencing unparalleled and indescribable joy in heaven. Happy Birthday mom!!

A staggering figure...

$379,000 - the cost of my mother's 8 day hospital stay! I figured it would be a lot - but to see that figure..is astounding! My mother's portion of the bill would have only been $5,070. Thank God for insurance! But that also tells you why insurance is SOO expensive.

I have had a hard time wanting to write on my blog. I guess I'm having a hard time all around so it would only make sense that blogging would be difficult. The range of emotions that I feel over the loss of my mom is overwhelming. I feel so incredibly sad, but that is also mixed with guilt, loneliness, anger, confusion, and regret. There is little joy that I can find in my situation right now. Joshua & John definitely light up my days. I have little patience or motivation. I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do to settle my mom's affairs but yet don't know where to start on the next task. I am thankful to the many friends/family who have reached out to support us in many different ways. I'm touched by the TONS of cards that I have received. I actually read through them pretty often and it's so therapeutic. People keep asking me what can they do...and that is such a hard question to answer cause I don't even know which way is up right now. I do know that people also don't necessarily know how to act around me, but I can tell you that I love to talk about my mom. Talking about her might make me cry, but it is helpful too. Bringing her up isn't a bad thing because she is already on my mind constantly. I just miss her SOOOOO terribly much.

Sorrow

The last two weeks have been incredibly difficult. Two weeks ago tomorrow I got a call that my mom was in the emergency room - so I rushed up there. She was short of breathe and they thought maybe she had walking pneumonia. By the time I got there the doctors said she had congestive heart failure & a heart attack. It wasn't long before I became an expert on lots of medical terms. By Monday, my mom was having open heart surgery and never woke up. At first they had hope that she would wake up so they kept her on life support...but as they days went on the doctor's hope dwindled. By Friday, she was gone. My mom was only 57. She has never smoked a cigarette in her life. She was a water aerobics instructor. All signs pointed to perfect health. But she still died. I have more sadness then I could ever imagine. My mom was my best friend. She raised my brother and I on her own which made us SO incredibly close. I called her at least once a day. There is nothing that I would love more then to call her right now and tell her how upset I am and how much I'm hurting. If I've learned anything over the last two weeks it is to have no regrets. To love the people in your life not just as if it's your last day but theirs too. Never in a million years did I imagine my mom would die so young. I never imagined that a week ago Monday would be the last time I would ever speak to her. But I am proud that the last two things I said to her were a prayer and that I loved her. The other thing I have learned is that the next time I have a friend, family member, etc go through a loss like this or have a loved one in the hospital that I will be there for them cause I have had so many people step up and help me through this time. These last two weeks have been miserable but it is the strength of many prayers, words of encouragement, and love that have gotten me through.